Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
