Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
