1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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