i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
