Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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