Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
