I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
