i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
