Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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