I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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