you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
