I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
