im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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