Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
