Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
