you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is Oprah even human
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
