you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You are a genius and a whore.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
