Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
