I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
