i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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