awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
