Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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