i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
