i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
