That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
