You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This baby is an asshole
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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