the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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