The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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