Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
