Will you blow on my dice?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
