i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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