So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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