Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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