If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
