Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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