i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
