Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
