whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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