things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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