someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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