Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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