I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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