dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
