Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
