We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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