do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
