all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
