either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
