How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
