All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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