The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
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My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How does one acquire holy water?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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