Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
