I think I won the penis lottery.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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