i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
