i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
