they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
