Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
