Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
