Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
