I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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