Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
